I started this blog on Friday because I was having a horrible day with my depression and started searching for other blogs out there to see if they can help. A lot of the sites that referred you to the best depression blogs were out dated, when I went to those blogs they hadn't been written on in a while. So, I thought I could write one kind of as a journal to myself to track what is going on in my world of depression.
HISTORY ON ME AND MY DEPRESSION
I was raised a military brat. My father was in the ARMY we moved about every 2-3 years. My family wasn't and isn't very close. I will always describe my parents as people that didn't like kids. I don't have very many memories from my childhood like some people do. I am not sure if it is because they were unhappy or unmemorable. All my life growing up I don't think I was every a Happy person. I have my moments and I can pretend with my patients or customers through out the years but there is just something sad inside of me. I didn't feel I got love and attention from my family I found it (I thought) throughout the years with boyfriends. My first boyfriend was at 13 or 14 and it lasted for over 1 yr and then the next almost 2 years with that relationship I became a teen mom. I had a child at 16, 18 and then 23. I chose not to get married since having a child was already a big commitment, I wasn't ready for marriage. I met my first husband when I was pregnant with my second child. I thought he was great, what man would jump into a ready made family? We lots of problems with trust but he was there and I felt that I needed someone there because I didn't have a sense of family with my own parents. So we stayed and eventually married I married him initially to be able to join the military with 2 children they stated that I would have to sign them over to someone else or be married and he agreed to help me. After we married he said lets make a go of this lets try to save our relationship and we tried but we just couldn't do it. I finally left for the Air Force basic training in November of 1996. I was 22 years old. I felt horrible leaving the kids but I knew this could help and make them a better life. During my technical training my husband agreed to bring the children down for a visit. Well he came to live. The military allowed to move off base during my training. It was so great to be with the kids. Towards the end of my training it was time to go out into the field to train in the gas chamber, build medical tents and learn how to treat patients in a war type environment. I decided something was right with my body and went to see the doctor. I was pregnant again. I got my orders to move to England for my first assignment and knew I could not raise three children on my own in a foreign country so he came with. Those three years in England were hard I was living with a man who didn't respect me and I didn't respect. We talked often about divorce but knew it was difficult doing it in England. As soon as we move back I would apply for the divorce. I was having a lot of guilt and depression about was I doing the right thing for the kids. I started to see a military therapist. He diagnosed me with situational depression and I was put on meds. My husband and I tried marriage counseling where the therapist asked the most important question. "Was this marriage or divorce therapy?" We both came back the next visit and said 'DIVORCE".
I started on medication for the first time in my life to treat depression. Since I was in the military I worried of the stigma involved but since it was just because I was going through a divorce, I thought no one would care. I continued on medication for several years after that. I thought why not they weren't hurting me, maybe they were helping.
Part II will cover me coming off the meds
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